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July 9, 2007

I have a secret to share with you: despite how assured and confident I sounded in all of my fellowship applications, interviews, and casual conversations with friends, I had absolutely no idea what my summer in Jamaica was going to be like. Sure, I had done all the research about how much things would roughly cost, and I knew sort of what my internship would entail, and I tried to read up on Jamaica between cramming for finals and saying goodbye to my friends for the summer, but these meager actions were just a cover for how little I understood what I was really getting into. I told everyone I would be helping a prison radio station in Kingston, but really I had no idea what my job was really going to be like, no experience in either rehabilitation or managing radio stations, no idea where I was staying, and no patois vocabulary. Sure I sounded like I knew what I was talking about (enough to get a fellowship, even!), but I had no, no, NO real idea.

This didn't really hit me until the day before my flight from Columbus, Ohio to Kingston, Jamaica via NYC and Miami. And that's when I got SCARED.

I knew there was a good chance that everyone feels this way before embarking on a foreign internship, but I kicked myself for not preparing more anyway and stayed up all night worrying about everything that could go wrong. I was scared that Kingston was going to be unsafe, especially for an Asian girl who couldn't run a whole city block without getting tired. I was scared that my ever-busy employer had forgotten to arrange one of the many things he was supposed to take care of and I would end up with nowhere to live or no way to get to work. But most of all, I was scared that I wasn't up to the task. Sophomore year had seen many challenges and obstacles, and though I managed to make it through, saying that I did so ungracefully is an understatement at best. When I came up with the idea to go to Kingston back in November, I was bright-eyed and raring to escape the US, but now I was tired, burnt-out, and full of self-doubt. I feared that I would accomplish nothing in the time I was here and that this would start a downward spiral that ends up with me jockeying for a spot in front of the Harvard Coop. Crazy, I know, but it always seems like there's a big chance that upon encountering the difficulties of adjusting to a new country and culture on top of a new job, everything will just...crumble.

And yet, something very strange happens when you go to a new country. Perhaps it's like being thrown into a cold pool in the morning--while people who were already doing well might not appreciate such a gesture, it's exactly the wake-up call the rest of us need to get going. There's no denying that it is difficult to adjust to so many unfamiliar things all at once, but the monumental shift in context can be a blessing in disguise. Although perhaps simple tasks--picking up a package, say--seem to have turned into herculean quests, that which seemed impossible back home--waking up at 8:30 AM, for example?--can also become easier, even natural. In addition, the burst of stimulation a new environment offers is almost guaranteed to excite and motivate even the most burnt-out college kid. You find that you are even more resilient and capable than you could have hoped, and that is a truly, truly wonderful feeling, even if you do end up with some water up your nose.

Now, laying on my bed with my hard-won laptop and writing this, I know I've come a long way already in the last two weeks. I envision the following blog posts to be stuffed with witty anecdotes about work (and play!) with a generous dollop of random observations and a dash of heartwarming stories, but I wanted to write this first to dispel the myth that Harvard students, even those who go abroad, are perfect, collected, and always prepared. Sometimes we don't have any idea what we're doing, and that's kind of okay. I hope this will encourage future travelers who find themselves in my boat. To you I say: don't worry. It may like we'll be in dire straits, but it's a seaworthy craft and we'll make it to our destination in one piece even if we have to do some creative rowing along the way. It'll make a better story in the end, anyway!